Of Ribbons, Dogs and Huang He river
by Samura Sheikah
Summary: Zhang Jiao has turned the warriors of the three kingdoms into dogs and they have to work together to get back to human form... like that'll ever happen! sick, disturbing yet strangely funny. chapter 4 up!
1. Introduction

**Of Ribbons, Dogs and Huang He river. **

**By Samura Sheikah (Lung Ch'u)**

A little different from my previous fiction, no continuity, no point and barely any story, just one long string of random interlinking events designed to make you snigger and cringe at the same time! Enjoy! Rated for mild swearing, nudity and unusual foul acts. Nothing too sexual but please be warned. This is NOT a lemon or hentai, its just sick humour. There are small insinuations of Yaoi later on. Please note the characters here are based on the ones in the game NOT the ones in the book, I would never disrespect great warriors!

**Introduction:**

It was summer and for several days Cao Cao had been bedridden with uncontrollable twitching syndrome. It was rumoured to have begun when Xu Zhu got drunk and invited him skinny dipping in Huang He river. The money Wei lost with failed crops meant they could not publish the new edition of hot Wei girls monthly and Xiahou Yuan's new dress went unappreciated.

It was indeed a summer of discontent for many. The forces of Wu had lost many supplies to Shu when Zhou Tai made an unwise bet in a drinking competition, though who could blame him, no one really expected Xing Cai to out drink him. Shu were also in trouble, as Ma Chao had squandered all their resources producing hat after hat to satisfy his wolfish lust for beauty. Eventually, Liu Bei had to slap him.

Lu Bu got a new pair of boots with which to crush the capitol, but he wasn't allowed to wear them in the house in case he dirtied Zhang Liao's precious rugs. Lu Bu didn't much see the point in azure shag pile but if Diao Chan and Zhang Liao happy he had to concede.

The Nanman on the other hand were doing fine. Meng Huo, under strict orders from his lovely wife Zhu Rong, had opened up a shop in the north of Nan Zhong selling all kinds of herbs, medicines, thongs… well she said he was allowed to be a little creative.

That night on the banks of Huang He magic filled the air. The waters rippled with power and from the depths emerged Zhang Jiao, several years after his death. He breathed deeply and shook the water from his cloak. "I have been granted new life! No I must use my new powers to show the world the way of peace!" he called. He used his cosmic other worldly magic to then summon an army of phantom soldiers and declared a curse upon all who stood against him. "You spurned our ways as you would spurn a dog! Lets see how you like it!" He shouted, spreading his magic across the plains. In the morning, the three kingdoms would awake an unpleasant surprise.

The first camp to discover the curse was Wu. Ling Tong, awake bright and early as usual, went to get a snack and discovered he had an item much like a latrine brush sprouting from his backside. His first action was to run back to camp and strike Gan Ning who rolled over angrily asking, "what is the meaning of this!"

"As if you don't already know you pervert! I can condone drawing on my face, dying my clothes pink and eating my children, but when you stick things in my arse you've crossed the line!" Ling Tong spat. Gan Ning laughed and calmly pointed out that it was, in fact a tail. Much panic then ensued.

The second camp to discover the problem was Wei. It first arose when Xu Huang's hat didn't fit and again later when Zhang He found his hands were unable to grab things. It took Liu Bei several hours to notice that his entire army had been turned into dogs as he had spent his morning in the company of Zhao Yun. Liu Bei had never seen Zhao Yun as anything but a loyal little puppy.

The only people unaffected by Zhang Jiao's spell were the Nanman, Zhuge Liang, Sima Yi And Zhou Yu. Zhuge Liang and Sima Yi lived in solitude as hermits and had nothing to do with the yellow turban rebellion. Zhou Yu on the other hand did face the yellow turbans, but really didn't care. He spent most of the time admiring himself in the mirror.

It didn't take long for the three camps to realise this was the work of the yellow turbans, mostly because at midday Zhang Jiao appeared to each camp declaring his work. Said he, "I have been revived by heaven's wish and now will fulfil my destiny in converting this land to the way of heaven! But for this I could not have you meddlesome interlopers in the way! Now you will suffer as my people did when you cast them down like dogs!" as fanatics do, Zhang Jiao then disappeared, uttering an evil laugh.

The three camps were in shock, each inspecting the new appearances of themselves and their comrades. The situation was bleak in the Wei camp. Zhen Ji was in fits of hysterical crying because she couldn't brush her hair, so much so that Cao Pi had to chloroform her. Xiahou Dun didn't know what the big fuss was about, but he did have an eye infection and wore two eye patches because of it. Cao Ren and Pang De sat weeping in the corner and Cao Cao ordered all remain calm, until a thought struck him and he blurted in front of his men "How am I going to take a dump?" Which caused mass panic. Dian Wei didn't think the transformation so bad. It was nice to have hair again.

**Please refer to the next chapter for the start of the story!**


	2. Nightfall meeting

**And now the story: Chapter one: the nightfall meeting**

It was a good few hours later at Wei's main camp and things had considerably calmed down. Cao Cao wandered the streets searching for his scattered officers, enquiring as to their well-being. He rounded a corner and met the two Xiahou Brothers. "Ah! My most trusted officers! You are coping in altered form I hope." Cao Cao asked.

"What altered form?" asked Xiahou Dun moving his head from side to side trying to see past the eye patches. Xiahou Yuan smiled and said, " I'm holding up alright Cao Cao thanks, it took me a while but I've accepted the fact that being a dog I'll never play concert piano again." He snivelled trying to act brave.

"I'm calling a meeting at nightfall in the banquet hall. Tell all you see to be there." Said Cao Cao, bidding the two good day.

After Cao Cao took his leave Xiahou Dun uttered, "Stupid Fruit!" Xiahou Yuan proceeded to strike him.

"What was that for?" Xiahou Dun said rubbing his face.

"You can't call our lord that!" Yuan Spat angrily.

"Zhang He isn't our lord!" Dun growled.

Yuan buried his head in his hands. "I can see I've got a problem here…" Yuan lamented.

"Really? Because I can see flap all, what's going on?"

* * *

The Sun family in the Wu camp all had the same idea. Quan, Ce and Shang Xiang split up and travelled the city, telling all who they met that there was to be a meeting at nightfall. Sun Jian however did not accompany them; he stayed with the two Qiao's. They comforted him as he wept bitterly, crying out.

"Don't worry sir, it'll all be alright." Said Xiao.

"Yeah, its not all bad!" replied Da.

"No! It's awful! I… I'm a dog! The TIGER of Jiang Dong, a DOG! How will I ever show my face again! Even my pet tigers have left me!" Jian wept.

A Tiger than stuck it's head around the corner and grumbled, "I was never your pet! I was just here for the wine!"

This made Jian weep even more. Huang Gai handed him a tissue.

"Thank you Huang Gai! You are so loyal." Jian said drying his tears.

"Who'd notice if Huang Gai wasn't a dog!" Da whispered in her sister's ear.

* * *

The Shu camp wasn't quite so organised. It took Yue Ying, Xing Cai and Guan Ping three and a half hours to persuade Liu Bei to do something. Liu was just content to make Zhao Yun do tricks.

"Please!" Yue Ying pleaded.

"No!" Liu Bei spat. "Sit! Good boy!" Liu Bei addressed Zhao Yun, throwing him pieces of meat.

"C'mon!" Xing begged.

"I said no. Roll over! Good boy! Goooood boy!"

"Do it and I won't tell Liu Chan you dropped him as a baby!" Ping grinned.

"… I concede, tell all to meet us her at nightfall. Shake! Good boy good little henchman!" Liu Bei said Giving Zhao more meat.

"Should you be eating that?" Xing asked.

"I'll do anything to make my lord happy!" Zhao grinned.

"o…k…" Yue Ying said as Ping vomited violently in the corner.

* * *

Nightfall came swiftly at the Wei camp. All officers gathered at the banquet hall, including the human Sima Yi, and awaited Cao Cao's orders. Cao Cao did emerge from hiding and addressed his people from the end of the table.

"As you can all see we have a big problem here." Cao Cao Said.

"What problem!" Xiahou Dun asked.

Everyone smacked their faces with their paws, off balancing them all and causing them to fall over. Xiahou Yuan took off his brother's eye patch and Dun gasped.

"Oh my lord! I'm drunk already? But I've only had one!" Dun cried.

"Actually that wasn't wine…" Zhang He said.

Dun looked confused, licked his lips, an expression of terror crossed his face and he began to cry.

"Erhm. If we can get back to the point! Now we have all been turned into dogs by Zhang Liao's evil magic." Cao said.

"You mean Zhang Jiao sir" Dian Wei said.

"Whatever… So being dogs is a terrible curse! We can't do anything useful!" Cao spat.

"I don't know about that sir, its really cool to be able to boss Cao Pi around!" Zhen Ji mused.

Cao Pi was shocked and said "What? No! I'm the man, I tell you what to…"

"BAD BOY! SIT!" Zhen shouted, cutting off his sentence. Cao Pi obediently sat straight away, whimpering. Everyone stared.

"Yes and on planet earth we have a problem. The only one who can help us is Sima Yi. He is the only human left among us. Sima, I see you have been studying alone for a while, have you come up with a plan to save us?" Cao asked

Sima Yi looked down at the blue-garbed hound beside him and said "No sir, I haven't been thinking of a way to save you lost causes, I've been thinking of a way to get rich off this thing!"

"What is this treachery?" Cao spat.

"Oh, how are you going to make me help you, Growl at me? I'm so scared! NOT! Come Zhang He I just got an idea that'll make me rich!" said Sima Yi.

" I don't have to!" Zhang He growled.

" Think again! Not only are you lower ranked than me but also you're a dog! You have to obey your master!" Sima grinned.

Zhang He looked around and all shrugged.

"Well… ok as long as we don't play that game with the aubergine (eggplant) again, that hurt a lot!" Zhang said following Sima out of the room.

"Fruit!" Dun yelled after him, to the reply

"I'm not a fruit! I'm a Kumquat!"

all stood in silence for a while. Cao broke the silence by saying " Well, With Sima Yi gone we're pretty much screwed."

"Well, there is one way we can still get over this." Pang De said "But it involves putting aside our pride and teaming up with…"

* * *

"Cookies!" Shang Xiang shouted.

"I don't think cookies will remedy our current situation but nice try sis." Quan said addressing his people.

The officers all stood in an immaculate line before Quan and his family. Huang Gai was giving Sun Ce a backrub. "Ohhh Gai! You're paws are magic!" Ce said, his ears twitching and his tail wagging.

"Anything for the Sun family!" Gai replied.

" Can you give me the… other massage later" Ce whispered.

Gai shuddered "Anything for the Sun family…"

Taishi Ci and Zhou Tai stood together. Zhou Tai suddenly jumped. Taishi looked around to see Lu Meng with his nose up Tai's arse.

"Meng! Stop that! That's disgusting!" Taishi growled.

"If he doesn't complain he doesn't mind!" Meng said sniffing hard.

Tai turned to Taishi mouthing 'please kill me now!'

"We all need to work together if we are to destroy this curse!" Sun Quan said. "Zhou Yu, have you a plan?" All turned to look at the human Zhou Yu who was kicking Lu Xun in the flank shouting "Stop humping my leg!"

"I can't help it! It's so beautiful!" Xun Cried.

Zhou Yu then noticed everyone was looking at him and said "well… there is nothing I can do to help and if there was I'd much rather be relaxing somewhere without worrying about looking after you guys! You're on your own." Yu said storming out, picking up Lu Xun and saying "I'll deal with you outside!"

"Erm… now we're doomed." Quan sighed.

"There is one force that can help us!" Shang Xiang Replied. "I've gotten very close to a man in Shu and I know him to be of the highest virtue and principals."

* * *

"Play Dead! Goooood boy! Good boy! Who is a good boy is it you?" Liu be said throwing bits of meat for Zhao Yun.

"so, what is the plan for changing us back then?" Huang Zhong asked

"… Plan? I don't have a plan! Zhuge Liang you think of something, that's your job isn't it?" Liu Bei said.

He turned to the human Zhuge Liang who was stroking the ears of the dog Jiang Wei, who looked as angry as Lu Bu on father's day.

"Pretty, pretty little boy! You're so pretty! Much nicer than when you were a human!" Zhuge cooed.

"Yes, I was ugly! But you still loved me didn't you?" Jiang Wei said slyly.

"Silence insolent wretch!" Zhuge Liang growled at Jiang Wei, pointing his fan at him.

"No… please prime minister, not the fan again… have some decency!" Jiang cried.

" I don't care how pretty you are, if you disobey me again I'll take this fan and…" Zhuge then became aware that everyone was watching him.

"Dude… un cool…." Wei Yan grumbled.

"I don't even want to think about it!" Pang tong murmured.

"Honey, we're going to have to have a serious talk about this whole Jiang Wei thing!" Yue Ying spat.

There was a brief moment of silence.

Zhuge Liang spat "I'm sick of all you! I'm going somewhere where people respect my kind!" Zhuge Liang said rushing out and dragging Jiang Wei by his breastplate.

"Remember me as a Shu hero!" Jiang called.

"No" Said Guan Yu.

So as before all were left in silence until Guan Yu uttered " Zhang Fei, stop licking there! That's disgusting. As much as I hate to say it we need to seek help."

"From who?" Liu Bei asked throwing some more meat at Yun.

"From one who gave me shelter when the three of us got separated…" Guan Yu said.

That's all for now" the next chapter will be up soon though.


	3. Second annual ChiBi dog show

So letters were sent, replies were sent and soon the three kingdoms were travelling to Nan Zhong to meet up with each other and discuss strategy. Their original choice was to meet at Huang He River but it seems that Zhang Jiao had gotten there first. Cao Cao had to admit that the Yellow river was and apt base for the Yellow turbans, but it hadn't been called the yellow river until Xu Zhu's skinny dipping party so they left them to it.

* * *

Sima Yi had been walking for nearly a day and his feet were hurting.

"Where are we going anyway?" Zhang He asked, cantering along beside him on four awkward paws. Sima was silent.

"What's wrong? Why won't you talk to me?" Zhang Asked.

"I told you, I'm not talking to you until you say the word!" Sima growled.

"What word?" Zhang He asked.

"Beautiful!" Sima Spat.

"I haven't said it yet?" Zhang asked.

"No you haven't and its already chapter 2!" Growled.

"Chapter 2 eh? And I Still haven't said it! That doesn't sound like me at all!" He said.

Sima Yi snarled. "Oh just forget it! Its not worth the argument!"

"So… where are we going?" Zhang asked.

"I'm going to show you what I do best!" Sima grinned.

"Oh God you're not going to make me pregnant are you?" Zhang he jumped.

"What? No, Gross! Zhang He boys can't get pregnant!" Sima spat.

"Really? Then what about Cao pi? How did he…"

"I Thought I told you NEVER to mention that again!" Sima blurted.

"Oh, sorry sir, then what are you going to do with me?" He asked.

"I'm going to exploit you…" Sima Yi said.

"Oh God! It's Yuan Shao all over again! They warned me about men like you! They like pretty young things!" Zhang He whined.

"No! Not like that! I'm going to exploit you for money! Here we are!" Sima said stopping at the gates of a towering building. The sign on the door read: "Chi Bi's second annual pretty dogs show"

"Oh! That kind of exploit! That's ok then, as long as it isn't the kind with the whips that Yuan Shao liked!" Zhang He said.

Sima Yi looked worried but brushed it off and entered.

* * *

Not far behind them Zhou Yu was walking, Lu Xun trying desperately to keep up but tripping over his swallowtail cape thing.

"Zhou! Wait please! I'm sorry I didn't mean any offence I just came over funny that's all." Xun begged.

"Yeah, apologise! How the HELL am I going to get these stains out of my good silk!" Zhou growled. "These cost me my innocence!"

"Just slow down and tell me where you're going!" Xun asked, tripping over and getting a mouthful of dust.

Zhou sighed. "I'm going to Chi Bi to remind me of my one great victory."

"Oh! That time when you won Xiahou Dun's eye off him in the poker game!" Xun cooed.

"That very time! When I came home to Sun Ce, that eyeball wobbling in my palm like white jelly, it was the happiest moment of my life!" Zhou smiled.

"Hey, Zhou! Look at that big erection!" Xun called.

Zhou looked up quickly and was disappointed to see Lu Xun was referring to a statue. It was of a dog. The sign read "Fluffy, winner of the 199 Chi Bi pretty dog show".

Zhou inspected the statue for a while. "He's not that pretty, YOU kick his arse Xun!" Zhou laughed.

"Well, innocence is beauty!" Xun grinned.

"How did you ever manage to keep your innocence in Wu of all kingdoms?" Zhou Yu enquired.

"Metal Undies!" Xun Laughed.

"Looks like the dog show is running now! We can enter you and use the winnings to replace my good trousers!" Zhou said Taking Lu Xun inside.

* * *

Not Far behind them, Zhuge was walking with Jiang Wei on a lead.

Zhuge was airing his skirt and there was a suspicious yellow stain across the side.

"Has it dried out yet? Jiang Wei asked.

"No, bloody Wei Yan! Do I look like a pee-pee tree? NO!" Zhuge growled.

"Why do I have to wear the lead? Its so humiliating, in feel like a gimp!" Jiang Wei growled.

"There is a pretty dog show here I want to enter you in and we have to convince them you are really a dog!" Zhuge said.

"I think the fur, snout, tail, paws etc accomplished that nicely! Admit it! There is no excuse for the bondage! I bet it turns you on doesn't it!" Jiang growled.

"Shut Up! It does not!" Zhuge growled.

"Then take it off then!" Jiang said.

"I don't think so," Zhuge smiled.

"I'm hardly going to run away! Pretty thing like me, alone in the wilderness! The wolves will get me!" Jiang said.

"Stop being ridiculous!" Zhuge said.

"Yeah... I'm ridiculous? You're the one in the dress! And what is that fan all about anyway?" Jiang asked

"Quiet! It reminds me of my firs girlfriend!" Zhuge said.

"What was she? A pillow stuffer?" Jiang asked.

"No, she was a goose." Zhuge said.

"… A Goose?" Jiang Wei asked puzzled.

"I was young and reckless…" Zhuge said.

The two found the building and went inside.

"Now to show the whole of China how pretty you are!" Zhuge said. Jiang's eyes rolled back and he sighed. Zhuge walked up to the desk.

"I'd like to sign up my apprenti… Dog please." Zhuge said to the woman at the counter.

"Ok I just need you to fill out this form please." The lady said, handing Zhuge the form.

"Hmm… Name… Jiang Wei, What's your dog name?" Zhuge whispered to Jiang.

"Dog name? What do you mean?" Jiang asked.

"You know!" Zhuge said

"Oh, so my SLAVE name just isn't good enough for you! Just call me white spider you fickle bitch!" Jiang growled, turning away.

"I… is there a problem sir?" The woman asked.

"No, no problem." Zhuge said.

He filled it in and handed it back.

"What did you write then?" Jiang asked.

"Boyue." Zhuge asked.

"Boyue? Why the hell did you call me that?" Jiang asked

"Because you are a boy and you remind me of my wife!" Zhuge said.

"Why? You like watching me shave my legs?" Jiang grinned.

"SHUT UP!" Zhuge blurted ready to strike Jiang when he was interrupted by the woman's voice behind him.

"Excuse me sir, there is a mistake on the form"

"Oh I'm sorry I… Where?" Zhuge asked.

"Right here sir, 'gender of dog' you wrote boy." She said.

"Yes…" Zhuge said.

"Well, it's obviously a girl sir, look at her pretty face!" She said.

"I find that wholly offensive!" I'd take my leave this instant if I wasn't trussed up like a sacrifice!" Jiang growled.

"You have no idea when to keep your mouth shut do you? I assure you ma'am he is a boy!" Zhuge said

"Do you mind if I make sure?" The woman said, pulling on a rubber glove.

"By all means go ahead." Zhuge grinned.

"Oh! Hell no! Prime minister don't let her touch my manhood! I need that for when I find a girlfriend!" Jiang protested, trying to escape from the glove but only managing to get about a foot away.

"Oh come on now, with a face like that the only woman you cold ever hope to get is a lesbian." Zhuge said.

He turned to see Sima Yi, standing in the corner with his little dog Zhang He.

"Zhuge Liang? What are YOU doing here?" Sima Yi spat, fanning himself violently.

"I'm here to show the world how pretty my apprentice is!" Zhuge said.

"Really! How lame, I'm just here to exploit mine for money!" Sima Yi said.

"And I'm helping!" Zhang He said.

"Zhou Yu is here too, he just went to get ice cream." Sima said.

As he said this Zhou wandered over and handed an ice cream to Sima Yi.

"Why don't I get one?" Zhuge cried.

"Because I don't like you very much." Zhou said handing an ice cream to Zhang He. It slipped right out of his paws and onto the floor but Zhang was content to lick it up from there.

Jiang Wei wandered over shivering.

"You too?" Zhang He asked.

He nodded shakily.

"Here have some ice cream!" Zhang said.

"Th... Thanks…" Jiang said sharing Zhang's slop.

"Jiang Wei! Don't share with that little hussy!" Zhuge spat pulling him away.

"Bitch, bitch, bitch! You are the one covered in Wei Yan's juice and I'm the Hussy?" Zhang sighed.

"At least that one isn't my fault!" Lu Xun said, trying desperately to balance the cone with his tail.

The receptionist walked over to Sima Yi and said "Sir, you missed one point on your form what is the breed of your dog?" She asked

"He's a poodle." Sima said.

"I'm a Labrador!" Zhang spat.

"He's a Labradoodle." Sima said.

"Thank you sir." The woman said taking her leave.

"Well the contest starts in half an hour, we'd better go make our pets respectable" Zhou said taking Lu Xun away.

"Me too" Sima Yi said taking Zhang away. "White fans are gay."

"I heard that!" Zhuge fumed.


	4. Rug guy

And so our heroes made it to The Nanman territory, where representatives of the three kingdoms made their obeisance and met each other with utmost respect.

"I'm gonna drink you under the table!" Sun Quan growled, tripping over his four feet as he ambled over to Zhang Fei, his cheeks blushing a drunken red beneath his fur.

"You're on!" Zhang Fei snapped, jumping up and attempting to bang his fists on the table in an aggressive display but instead ended up losing balance and falling flat on his face.

Quan growled, grabbing Fei and dragging him under the table.

Zhou Tai sipped his drink quietly, Guan Yu next to him, watching the tablecloth rustle and odd sounds emanate from the underside of the table.

After a few minutes, a frightened Zhang Fei emerged, twitching with horror. Soon after, Quan emerged, wiping his mouth and walking off triumphantly.

Guan sighed, trotting over to his brother.

"Are you alright Fei?" Guan asked.

Fei shivered. "I feel dirty…" He muttered.

Most of the time Sun Jian sat shivering in the corner, while the two Qiao's, Xing Cai and Yue Ying made jokes about him behind his back.

Guan Ping had found a fun past time which involved setting fire to Lu Meng's tail, shouting at the top of his voice "Wu isn't the only one who can launch a fire attack!" then running and hiding behind the chair, giggling like a schoolgirl.

Any sensible person would have learned by now, but Lu Meng had allowed this to happen eight times and didn't have much of a tail left.

Zuo Ci had appeared at one point, he too, being a dog and took the council.

So the council consisted of Zuo Ci, Cao Cao, Liu Bei and Sun Ce.

"So, this is a dire situation, what suggestions have you?" Cao Cao asked.

Liu Bei ignored him, as his time was carefully allotted to Zhao Yun, playing fetch, watching him chase his tail, and other wholesome activities.

"There's a good boy Zhao, now, roll over!" Liu grinned.

"Erm… I think we need to turn back into humans." Sun Ce said.

Cao Cao sighed at the ignorance of his comrades. "Yes… that is the point… so what should we do?" Cao asked.

"I say we do nothing!" Zhen Ji said.

"What?" Cao gasped.

He turned around to see Zhen, leading his son on a leash, Cao Pi looking even more angry and homicidal than ever.

"I say do nothing, I like my husband like this, he is easy to control!" Zhen laughed.

"I'm the man I give the orders!" Pi muttered.

"BAD DOG!" Zhen said hitting him in the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

Cao Pi whimpered.

Zuo Ci looked puzzled. "Zhen, may I ask from where did you obtain that leash and newspaper?"

"Oh, the Nanman have a shop over there." Zhen said pointing to a badly painted sign stating "Meng Huo's furry thong and Jungle jazz emporium, (over 16s only)"

"Did you not think that perhaps the store would sell something that might aid your dilemma?" Zuo asked.

"No, not really, I just wanted things for me and my husband to play with." Zhen said producing a whip from her bag. "Come along my dear, we are going to play the 'lovesick officer and cute new recruit' game!" Zhen continued dragging her husband along.

"Please kill me!" Cao Pi's last words echoed through the emptiness.

So Zuo Ci ambled over to the store to see if he could find anything to get his favourite idiotic mortals out of trouble.

He found that a few officers were at the store already.

Xiahou Yuan and Xu Huang were inspecting a vial of odd purple liquid and laughing.

"Oh man, do you remember this stuff?" Xu laughed.

"Yeah, the 'purple!' That's the stuff that Zhang He took isn't it!" Xiahou Yuan snickered.

"And he danced for three and a half hours…" Xu said

"With an invisible butterfly!" Yuan continued

"He kept saying, 'oh, my queen'… Snigger" Xu laughed.

"Hey, Zuo Ci!" Sun Shang Xiang's voice interrupted the riveting conversation.

Zuo turned, seeing Shang Xiang's inane grin. She clutched in her paws a copy of 'romance of the three kingdoms' the novel.

"Hey Zuo Ci, I've read this book cover to cover and you are not in it anywhere!" Shang Xiang said.

Zuo looked worried. "No, I'm in there…" He said looking around hurriedly.

"I wouldn't get so worried Zuo!" Ling Tong's voice called. "When she says she has read it cover to cover, she means she skipped all the chapters that don't have Zhang Liao in them" Ling finished.

Shang Xiang started to drool

"Oh Zhang Liao… someday you will be mine!" She dribbled.

Back to the point…

Cao Cao was as much trying to delegate with his fellow kingdom's representatives as he was trying to make sense of their irrational babblings.

As Cao was just about to kill himself, a messenger arrived announcing the arrival of Lu Bu.

This threw the forces into panic, many choosing to get very drunk.

But when the mighty Lu Bu approached, tripping over his robes and nibbling on his flea-ridden fur, they relaxed.

Cao Cao laughed in his face. "Ah, so the mighty Lu Bu has come running to me for help has he?" Cao laughed.

Lu Bu was embarrassed. "Well, yes… I got kicked out of my castle." Lu said shuffling his feet and looking at the floor.

"Oh, and by whom?" Cao said, wanting to milk this moment for everything it was worth.

"I… I got dirt on Zhang Liao's new Rug…" Lu Bu muttered.

Cao stopped laughing and stopped dead. He called up his officers and ordered them attack Lu Bu's castle.

"Send the whole eighty legions to Lu Bu's castle!" Cao said.

"But sir, its not…" Cao Ren said, but was interrupted by gloating.

So Cao set out, leading Eighty Legions of men…. Erm… dogs and soon reached Lu Bu's castle. His men…beasts quickly surrounded the castle.

"Zhang Liao you rustic bumpkin, come out and right this atrocity!" Cao shouted.

Zhang Liao heard the commotion and came to his window, walking out onto the balcony and looking down upon the men below.

"Oh, Cao Cao, what do you want?" Liao yawned.

"Return us to our human forms you yellow turban freak!" Cao said.

Liao laughed. "Does this look like a yellow turban to you?" Liao said pointing to his chalk blue hat.

"Ermmm…." Cao said.

"Exactly, now if you don't mind, I have some kibbles and a bowl of stale water that need my attention." Liao said turning his back.

"So… he isn't the yellow turban then…" Cao Cao said.

His men nodded.

"Nope, that's Zhang JIAO." Sun Shang Xiang said appearing from nowhere.

"Then who is this joker?" Cao asked.

"Zhang Liao." Shang Xiang said.

"He is…" Cao asked.

Shang Xiang picked up her copy of 'romance of the three kingdoms' and flipped through the pages.

"At some point he joins you and becomes the prime defender of Hefei." She said.

"Oh I remember him!" Cao said, then paused.

"So I just sent eighty legions against the rug guy?" Cao cried.

"Yip, pretty stupid huh?" Shang Xiang laughed.

Cao blushed but suddenly noticed something. "Shang Xiang, what are you doing here?" Cao asked.

"Oh, I'm here to abduct Zhang Liao to be my love slave." Xiang said.

"And how do you intend on doing that?" Cao asked.

"With this kit I got from the Nanman store, it was only 10 Yuan's!" She said holding up a bondage kit then, giggling inanely, ran into the castle.

Sounds of screaming and general unknown and painful sounding noises emanated from the castle walls.

Cao smiled. "This was so worth the walk!"

ooh, that's all you get for now, next chapter soon!


End file.
